In Loving Memory
Stephen WhitePhoenix, AZ Parents: Siblings: Click here to view photo gallery |
Stephen was born October 09, 1986 and raised in Phoenix, Arizona. He attended Sandra Day High School. Stephen has one sister, who he loved very much. January 30, 2013 was the evening the phone call came. The phone call no parent should ever receive. Stephen was dead; Stephen was struggling through addiction, Why is This Important? Because I struggle every day to know the truth: I fight every ounce of strength I’ve got to move on but I can't. Stephen was a gift to me, and I have been forced to give up that gift. No-one who ever met Stephen will ever forget him. Stephen would look at you and have that smile on his face as big as Kansas. He loved to dirt bike and get dirty and loved those Arizona Cardinals. Yet, Stephen was smart, funny, selfless, and kind to any stranger. Stephen loved a good time; Stephen’s life was a gift to others with his big smile and his artistic drawings and silly jokes. Stephen’s kind heart was always in action, he wanted to help everyone. Stephen was struggling and was tortured living with the beast, I too was in the fight of my life, and I felt isolated and alone
...and I swear, I was NOT alone.
And don't think any mother can do it alone either. Because you can't!! There is no doubt in my heart the pain Stephen was going through, I observe this every day and I ache from sadness spiraling into a pit of hurt. Stephen struggled with more pain than he did joy. It makes me sad to think of the pain Stephen must have been in. Stephen’s death could have been prevented if 911 were called, these low educated individuals feared the illegal repercussions, instead of the emergency help that Stephen needed” he was left to die”. Stephen wasn't the only person who died that day. Part of my altered sense of time arises from knowing that the death of Stephen also means the death of part of my future. Holidays and family traditions will never be the same. Now I will always remember the birthday of the one who is gone, and the anniversary of his death is forever branded in my heart, marking my time. I mourn not only losses in my own future as well as my daughters future, but the unlived future of her brother; my son Stephen.
Candles
Miss your great smile and miss your silly jokes! How such a terrible disease can just take so many young away. We will fight for the living to help them get through a horrific drug.
Love you my boy, |
Happy Birthday Stephen, as the year’s progress, it becomes less about what “I have lost” and more about who you were, what you taught us, and what we can leave behind in honor of you. We can carry on. We can learn from your life. We can grow. Then, we can share that growth with others. It’s another way to remember—to use your memory to fuel our passion to help others. To learn from your lessons and then teach, so others might be prevented from the same fate.
That’s one of the best ways I want to honor you and your passing—to learn from you and then to share what I have learned; to let your legacy be one of hope, of peace, of compassion, and great love.
You’ve all seen me or been told about me. I lost someone close to me —a child — I became a shell of who I once was. That person was myself, I was unable to enjoy life and avoid certain events because of the painful reminder.
I skipped out of town, didn’t really want to socialize with anyone. Everyone whispered about me: “That’s the woman who lost her son four years ago, and she’s never been the same since. She’s always sad.” Yes, my son’s death has changed me; it’s still changing me, and it will probably change me throughout my life. But I refuse to allow what happened to define me or shape me into a person I don’t recognize or respect. My son wouldn’t want that for me. He would want me to be happy and healthy. That starts with taking care of myself psychically, mentally and emotionally, which is why I seeked a counselor, she is great, helped in so many aspects of saving myself from deteriorate into someone my son would be ashamed to call his mother.
Yes, Kimmie was there during my bargaining moments, I question whether it would have made a difference if she’d been there the exact moment it happened. But then I think about the fact that I watched my son the majority of the times suffer, and how would I feel if she blamed me if it happened when she was with him instead? I wouldn’t need the added guilt of her blame because I would be doing enough for the both of us. That’s why I’ve made it a point to never accuse, blame or guilt Kimmie over what happened. I remind myself it was a drug and it couldn’t be prevented even if we both were there that evening. I thought we also learned the maintenance needed to keep our relationship in good repair. We went out on dates, and we talk about our feelings regarding the loss of Stephen. I thought we made it a point to work on our relationship and to be patient with each other during this extra difficult and sensitive time. We’re not perfect. We falter and we fight, but I never thought we would go to bed angry, even though I had a hard time saying I love you or anyone else for that mattered. ‘I was afraid’, afraid I would lose any one person I loved. Because one died, and it was because I loved him, so as this year began, the start of a new relationship started, and it wasn’t with me. Chosen Affairs, loss of love, not wanting to regain a twenty five year relationship. Just walk away, leave the responsibilities of suffering. We died; we broke and now have to rebuild a new beginning. It’s sad and very difficult for the one who was in the rabbit hole. ‘I was that strong person at one time and became helpless, without any knowledge of what was happening around her. So as for Happy Birthday Stephen, the world has changed. What a great life you have in heaven, and one day the ones close to you will be able to celebrate your day in heaven.
I Love you,
Mommy
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Stephen was not just family to me, he was one of my best and closest friends. I have avoided dealing with his death by simply not acknowledging it, but as time moves on his absence becomes something I can no longer ignore. He was one of the most gifted artists, his upbeat positive outlook on everything helped me through some of the most trying times, I now can't go a day without thinking about him, and missing him. I miss you, steve. Late. |
Stephen, many many blessings to you and those who love you. You are never alone. |
Stephen,
Today is your 28th birthday,
I wish you a Happy Birthday in heaven Stephen. I am sending you up a message in this balloon I have for you, a message sealed full of love and tears along with my broken heart from missing you.
I wonder what you are doing to celebrate your day; I hope you have your special cake with chocolate and angel food to celebrate and honor you. Maybe in heaven they will sing your favorite song, that song that made you laugh; “Go Stephen, it’s your birthday, and party like it’s your birthday”.
I wonder if your celebration will be just you and Jesus or will there be a crowd of angels honoring you too.
I won't be there to hug you Stephen, and I know I will feel lonely and shed a lot of birthday tears. I know your heavenly birthday will be as wonderful as you!
Stephen just remember I still love you –
And you’re my favorite son
on your birthday, and forever!
Mommy
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I’m so sad for taking every breath my children have taken and now one is gone. My heart still breaks a little more every day. I miss you every day, you were my best friend and I miss that bond with you.Oh, how I hope for one more conversation with you. I love you mommy
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It's been 2 years since we received the horrible news that you were no longer with us here on this earth. You are deeply missed and your memory is carried in the hearts by many. Rest easy, Stephen. |
Gosh, where do I start…? We are all here today – all of us but you. I can’t write your name on a gift tag, I can’t see your smile any more. Christmas carols at the door makes me so sad. Even during the best of times, my holidays seem to be exhausting and stressful.
Celebrating is the furthest thing from my mind. In fact, I wonder if I will ever enjoy them again. I have experienced such sadness, anger or frustration, not only because you’re gone, but that I am unable to enjoy the holidays as I have in the past. I am angry that others are celebrating while I am missing you; I just feel numb and I am simply going through the motions.
The laughter and sunshine you had brought to us every day. Now, instead of you, I have only my grief to share. But it is a burden I do not always carry alone. Stephanie your sister, family and friends have given to me such kind words, such support, and such love. I will always hurt, but the people who surround me and seek to offer what comfort they can, make my life bearable. It cannot bring you back, but it is good to know that I am not alone.
My heart is tangled without you here; it tugs at me every day. Stephen I miss your laugh, your smile, your silly jokes I just miss all of you. A song came on today that you would always sing, and your Aunt Diana said it always makes her smile and thinks of you, (everybody shuffling) by LMAO. I remember how we would laugh at you, when you sang that song. You were always funny. I have a lot of difficult days without you here. I miss you
Mommy,
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To our little giant, with a heart that was so big, and so loving. I remember the first time we saw you at "The Good Egg", I heard this little voice talking in the waiting area talking to his mother saying Mommy, Mommy can I get this for breakfast?"
hanging on his mothers leg, he was about 3yrs old. I will always remember our time working on your homework for school, and how much you enjoyed my toys (hot wheels).
Oh yea, and the last hug we gave to each other at the gas station. You will always be in my heart and prayers! Love you!
Mona & Gail 11/2/13 |
Letter to
Stephen, October 9, 2013
Happy Birthday:
There is no word to encompass the heavy stone that plants itself firmly in my chest; your death and my sadness have left me fatigued. It’s your 27th birthday and as I think of you in silence. I am struggling to survive; these days and don’t know how I made it this far. I am trying to find my voice and writing some sort of meaningful commentary for your birthday. I look at cemeteries differently now. I used to be distanced from them. A cemetery was a place I looked at and felt sorry for the poor people who were burying a loved one or visiting a gravesite. Now I feel compassion, empathy, and a kinship to the people who are there…which is entirely different than “feeling sorry for.” Now that person at the cemetery isn’t some disconnected entity…it’s me, visiting you! Life now seems like a frozen piece of time, it reminds me of how it was, when you were here. And there is no word to describe the monumental effort it takes for me to continue to walk through life, one step at a time, even after you can no longer walk with me. I miss you every day Stephen, But I know; you were truly Gods chosen one, and it was not by chance or mistake that god allowed you into our lives. I do know that you are the lucky one, as you will be spending your 27th birthday in heaven with Jesus this year.
Happy Birthday,
I love you, Mom
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STEPHENS BIRTHDAY IS OCTOBER 9TH the emotions I have feel like the day he died, I feel anxious and unnerved leading to this day. I know it seems ironic, how it is still Stephens birthday even thou he is gone. It’s a day marking an age that Stephen didn’t have the chance to reach. It’s a day that for most people celebrates a new year of life. And to me it’s another reminder of an untimely death. This is my grief, my story, my hard day, and nobody else can understand. I’m a wreck- I’m overcome by a lot of emotions, filled with anxiety, and struck with a realization I have not allowed myself to come to terms with: I miss you Stephen. I am broken, and I don’t know how to deal with this sudden rush of emotions. I want to celebrate your birthday Stephen, I want to call you on the phone and sing to you, I want to buy you a present, and I want to take you out to dinner. Make you a birthday cake, take you to a movie. But even though I’m very sad, and I am missing a piece of my heart. I will remember all the years that I shared the pleasures you gave me, how you had that amazing charming charismatic personality, laughed as you would share a joke or two. And those beautiful baby blue eyes and gorgeous smile that would brighten any room. I see your smiling eyes, each morning when I wake up; I talk to you, but, I miss you being here, the ache is deep inside my heart, and this will never ever go away. But I know; you were truly Gods chosen one, and it was not by chance or mistake that god allowed you into our lives. I do know that you are the lucky one, as you will be spending your 27th birthday in heaven with Jesus this year.
Happy birthday Stephen, I miss you
Mommy |
If there was even a word to describe how much I miss you! My little brother can never be replaced, there's nothing more in this world that I miss as much as being your sister, I miss our jokes, I miss teasing you, I miss you laugh and smile, I miss your goofy walk, I miss your beautiful blue eyes, your voice, your attitude, I can't even write all of it because it would just go on and on! I love you SO much Stephen! I wish I said this to you when I had a chance, but "Thank You, for always being you! You were the most Amazing, smart man/little brother I had ever known! You have always meant the world to me!" Please watch over all of us! I wish so much u were here to etch your neice and nephew grow, but I know u are looking over us everyday! I love you!!! I'll see you soon. Xo |
Stephen you are greatly missed and will always be in our thoughts, prayers and in our hearts! All of our love! |
Thinking of you everyday, wishing you were here with me. Just to hang!! |
Missing that laugh and hug smile. Always in my thoughts. |
God bless you and may you rest in peace Stephen, you are loved by many and missed so much!
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